Yes, Young Children CAN Know They Are Gay

Yes, Young Children CAN Know They Are Gay

I was reading this wonderful post, and a comment annoyed me. It was just one, among many wonderful supportive comments, but still. (Yes, I know. Even though I tell my friends never to read the comments, I was reading the comments. I’m a bad girl.)

The commenter (you can find it yourself if you like) asked how a seven year old could know he was gay. How he knew of such things, and if the parents would really accept any wild statement the child made–as children do.

It pissed me off.

Let me deal with the last thing first. When my daughter announced that she would be the first female president of the U.S., I did not say “Pfft. No, you’re not.” I suggested that an understanding of history would serve her well. ¬†When she announced she was going to be an astronaut cheerleader, I suggested science might be a good area of focus. When my daughter proclaimed she was bisexual, I was also fine with that. I am privately, where she can’t see, quite amused that she has never had a crush on a girl in her life, but I tell her “whatever. I love you.”

That’s my job–love and support. Help her grow into the person she was born to be. Maybe she will be the first female president. Maybe she will be an astronaut cheerleader. Maybe she’ll marry a woman. As long as she’s happy, I really don’t care.

The commenter asked how a child “would have an understanding of what a relationship like that is all about?” Oh, about the same way my daughter understands how she and her two friends will have an apartment when they are sixteen, and all have jobs and cars and yes, finish high school. Imperfectly, through the lens of childhood, but understanding the important things–who they love and want to spend their time with. (Don’t get me wrong. She loves me. But I am bossy. Odd thing, that.)

As for how a seven-year-old could know he was gay–how does a 7yo know he likes football but not baseball? Chocolate ice cream but not rocky road?

My friend’s son knew something was up when he was six. His brother’s friends were talking about a man kissing another man, reacting with disgust, and the gay child thought that sounded pretty nice. Of course, this would have been in the 1960s, so that boy didn’t know anything more than that he might like to kiss men one day. And that everyone would probably think it was disgusting.

Why do people think gay kids can’t possibly know they are gay until they are at least 15? My first crush was Luke Skywalker. I was seven. I knew nothing about anything, except that I liked looking at him and I wanted to be around him. At seven. Am I so alone? When do “normal” people have their first crushes?

I’ll tell you how a kid knows he/she is gay. Look at nearly any movie made for kids. Heck, go with what everyone thinks of as the most innocuous–let’s look at a Disney movie. How about Mulan? (one of my favorites, by the way, because it’s NOT about the “princess” finding a boyfriend.) What if a gay kid is watching that, and he finds that he likes the dynamic between Mulan and Shang when Shang still thinks Mulan is a boy? Or the Little Mermaid, and a little girl would much rather live in the ocean with Ariel than in Eric’s castle?

Kids know that they are supposed to fall in love and get married. Heck, our culture preaches at them that life is all about love and marriage and babies, but that’s a whole other rant. Is it really a surprise that a 7yo might think about how he wants to live happily ever after?

Edit to Add: I’m getting a lot of hits on this post, so I wanted to add a hopefully-helpful link. On this blog, contributors write about their first gay crush.

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Writer, mom, widow. Anything else is transitory.

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13 comments on “Yes, Young Children CAN Know They Are Gay
  1. When I was 5 I told my mom I was going to marry this boy I went to school with. I think the commenter expects the kid to understand the dynamics and hardships coming out as gay is for adults. To kids, it’s simple. Little boy says “I like girls” or “I like boys” and that’s that. They don’t worry about what other people are going to think or if someone finds homosexuality wrong. They are just feeling w/o worrying. They don’t HAVE to understand what it means.

  2. KD says:

    I can see that–if the commenter thinks being gay is a choice. “Don’t they know how hard it will be? Make them choose something easier!” Grr…

  3. BBea says:

    I have not looked for the comment. I try to avoid those things (she types into a comment). >_>

    But my first crush was when I was 4. Brian Geiger. I named my tiger salt-and-pepper shaker (both! in one shaker!) after him because it was nearly as cool and amazing as he was.

    (I shall refrain from getting all sappy and maudlin over your comment section, because it’s been One of Those Weeks, but you’re a good mom.)

  4. KD says:

    So I was actually behind the curve? Interesting!

  5. BBea says:

    Well, I don’t know. I think I’m a possible outlier. Who has love issues. I mean, I spent most of my childhood and teenage years frantically looking for love just about anywhere. But maybe.

  6. Lorrie says:

    My daughter has known since she was 7 that she sees herself with a girl and doesn’t see herself with a boy. When they have children, she will be the dad. Is there any more info about this anywhere? I would like to hear from other parents too. My daughter is 9 and has a crush on a girlfriend.

    • KD says:

      Welcome, Lorrie. I’m not sure what information you want, so let me offer a few links. In this article, I bring up some more points and some important links. If you want to talk to other parents, PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is an excellent place to start. That link leads to the “Get Support” page of their website.

      There’s nothing WRONG with your daughter. It’s society that needs fixing.

    • Kristie says:

      A heart only sees another heart. Hearts don’t see man , woman, penis, vagina, ugly or beautiful. They just want to feel free enough to love the one that sees their heart, without facing judgmental ignorant, hateful people ruining their happiness. The human heart will always be an enigma. That Kristie & Mary are as much a couple as Joe & Sally. She will face enough negative energies on her journey. Just be there to reassure her that she is NOT AN ABOMINATION, that she’s NOT CONFUSED, that she’s NOT perverted. Let her be loved.

  7. Anonymous says:

    My 10 year old step son told us he thinks he might me gay. He says he likes a boy down the street. Why would he even say that if it was not true? Is he confused? he has been acting different lately he’s been nervous and been biting the outside of his hand. I hope he’s not but I wouldn’t trade him for the world he’s has the biggest heart and super funny I love him dearly! Does he know at 10 if he’s gay? He went to see the counselor at school today to talk to her we have a meeting with her tomorrow.

    • KD says:

      He might know. Many kids do know that young and younger. I’d imagine the nervous behaviors are due to being afraid of what people will think. If I were in his life, I think I’d want to tell him I love him no matter what. PFLAG can help if you don’t know what to say after that.

  8. Shelpn says:

    My eleven year old just told me he was gay last night, but asked me not to tell other family members. I told him I loved him no matter and I just want him to be happy. Since I’ve thought about I, I’m worried about him being treated badly by others, of course, but otherwise I’m glad he trusted me enough to confide in me.

    • KD says:

      I think being trusted like that is a great honor. I wish you and your son joy. I hope that we can continue to make progress towards a world where he will be safe.

1 Pings/Trackbacks for "Yes, Young Children CAN Know They Are Gay"
  1. […] Thoughtful post from the father of a seven-year old who’s identified himself as gay. (Thanks, Jase!) Plus a post from KD Sarge about one of the comments on that post. […]

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